Conceiving my Son: History

In search of victory, she keeps saluting me
if only we could be together momentarily
We could make love, and make history
Why won’t you visit me, until she visits me
I’ll be stuck with her sister, her name is defeat
She gives me agony, so much agony
She brings me so much pain
So much misery, like missing your last shot
And falling to your knees.
As the crowd screams, for the other team
I practice so hard for this moment victory don’t leave
I know what this means, I’m stuck in this routine
Whole new different day, but the same old things
All I got is dreams, but nobody else could see
Nobody else believe, nobody else but me
Where are you victory, I need you desperately
Not just for the moment. To make history

So now I’m flirting with death
Hustling like a cheat, while victory wasn’t watching
Took chances repeatedly
As a teenage boy, before acne
Before I got proactive, I couldn’t face she
I just threw on my hoodie and headed to the streets
I swear I met success, we lived together shortly
A success is like lust, which is good to the touch
Witch is good for the moment, but she’s never enough
Everybody’s had her, she’s nothing like me
But success is all I got, unfortunately
But I’m burning down the block I’ve been in it with defeat
But something tells me that there’s much more to see
Before I get killed, cause I can’t get robbed
So before me, success and death manage’
I got to get lost, I got to find V
We got to be together to make history

Now victory is mine, it taste so sweet
She’s my trophy wife, she’s coming with me
We have a baby who stutters` repeatedly
We name him history He’ll repeat after me
He’s my legacy, son I’m a hard worker
Future of my past, he’ll explain who I be
Rank me among the greats
Either 1 2 or 3, if I ain’t number one
Then I failed your victory
Ain’t in it for the fame, that dies within weeks
Ain’t in it for the money, can’t take me when you leave
I want to be remembered long after you breathe
Long after I’m gone, long after I breathe
I leave all I am, in the hands of history
Bless my last will and testimony
This is much more then a song
It’s a baby shower, I’ve been waiting for this hour
History your ours.

Affiliation

So my little homies just got detained, nothing out of the norm for these individuals but this time its looking like it may be for a longer duration of the previous stints. I'm not gonna front its got me a little uneasy about my personal life and wondering if revelations in their world will set a collision course into mine.

There’s Heaven and then there’s Hell

One day you cruising in the 7 then the next day your alibi’s aint matching up
Bullshit catching up, you hit with the RICO, they repo’d that vehicle
Shit was all good just a week ago.
About to start snitching ain’t you?
Ready to start bitching ain’t you?
I forgive you. I forgive you! Hustling just ain’t you.
Aside from the fast cars, honeys that shake they ass in bars
You know you wouldn’t be involved
With the underworld dealers, carriers and mackmilli
East coast bodiers, west coast cap-peelers
Little monkey niggas turned gorillas

Murder of a Teenage Life

The murder of a teenage life
Fire from the cold steel, the heat from the brights
The temperature of flesh and the shortness of breath
The murder of a teenage threat
The aroma of sinsemilia dollar superstar
Scum of vicodin cocaine tobacco leaf
Ecstatic tap-less fire water and freaky-deeky-e
The murder of a teenage chief
My easy speaking is easy as it seem to be
Hungry belly drama busts off easily
Balloon bang, pop, hot as a bang spot in Bangkok
Colder than a pimp glock, aim shot the frame drops
Pressure pushed him to the earth like a rain drop
Take not life in vain, now how the preacher was saying
Remember anyway they laid him in the straight box
Dark suit and gray socks the neighborhood is all distraught
Candle lights upon the news report the families and students saw
Confused in awe, they weep into each others' arms
It's murder
New absence from a mother's arm
Even the warmth from the mother's arms
Could not keep her son from harm
From standing where the gun was drawn
Over come done and done he gone, murder
Shell like a bell that rung
The blood burst body temperature fell and plunged
And then the time it took the medics to come
The breath eased out of his lungs
And his soul eased out of the slums
And the voice eased out of the drums
The sireens they gleam they swung, murder
Telephone wire sneakers hung, murder
For the black and young, murder, and the Ave they from
From the block the president did not campaign on
Where the dollar that the working poor slave for is made on
Where hustlers stretch the yay long
Hustle hard for an outpost to trade on
Flip it over and make more
Where the blocks are yellow taped off
Young bloods is trained off for obese to gray zone
Where the pressure just stay on
But the lights and the heat don't
The place where you witness the true power of street folk
And that's where I'm coming from people
High post low key eighth oz and kilo
Law man dope man adversary amigo
Preacher man pimp hand both folding their C-notes
A black fist clutching deliverance for the people
Young hand reach out, strong hand reach in
Chop the devil's hand to make the fucker stop reaching
Ghetto people know when the voice of true speaking

Woke up this morning Salty

At lunch I got some bad news within the circle that made pretty upset. He informed me of a death within the circle, told me homeboy died over arguing with a fiend over fronting a fix:

It's never, when or why, it's the way that he die Did he stand like a man till the day that he die Or was he reaching for guns or trying to run Or was he outside on the lawn in front of his son And if ya, running your mouth you can die in the slum Cuz in Maryland where I'm from they dying for crumbs You can die for your partners or die for ya moms Or you could die cuz your nigga just heard the alarm, just stealing Or die in a plane they say it's a bomb When they run it into a tower, they just say it's Saddam Screaming Allah the moment that it's hitting the building With total disregard for all men women and children See niggaz get killed when, people mix they money with feelings It's a war going on and they killing for nothing We were in denial all awhile they where flicking the buttons I'd rather be dying for something instead of living for nothing End of discussion

What you afraid of?

I'm scared to try cuz I'm scared to fail
I'm scared to die cuz I'm scared of hell
I'm scared to fly cuz I'm scared to crash
I'm scared to move on so I live in the past

I'm scared to start cuz I'm scared I'll quit
I'm scared that people wont like my shit
I'm scared of fortune and profits
Rumors startin and people watching

I'm scared of war I'm scared of jail
Scared to share a secret cuz I'm scared you'll tell

I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink
I'm scared to swim cuz I'm scared to sink

But no longer,

Scared to grow up cuz I'm ready to grow old
Scared of the dark and being alone

Scared to fight cuz I ain't scared to bleed

Scared of love cuz I ain't scared she'll leave

All by My Damn Self

i exist in the depths of solitude
contemplating my true aspiration
trying 2 maintain my sanity
and still perpetuate my manifestation

constantly yearning 2 be accepted
and from all receive respect
never comprising but sometimes risky
and that is my only regret
a young heart with an old soul

how can there be peace
how can i be in the depths of solitude
when there r 2 inside of me
this duo within me causes
the perfect opportunity
2 learn and live twice as fast
as those who accept simplicity

When Honesty May not Be Enough

I watched CNN Blacks in America the other night and grew shockingly alarmed. The percentage of single successful black women was high-excuse me; EXTREMELY HIGH. We all know why and it doesn't need to be stressed here-brothers just aren’t as successful. More in prisons then universities. Well the point I'm trying to get is that there are a few good brothers.

I have been called boastful, arrogant and many other things that constitute the same meaning but one thing no one has ever done is truly called me a liar. I am a fucking good nigga. I know what I have and when I have it, I don't make dumb ass mistakes with women's hearts and I don't play games. I pride myself in my true honest character. I love whom I am with and everything that we have grown to be. Most niggas look at the above statistic and use that to their advantage; they know that if they gain a little success they become a hot commodity and try to rotate between women. I now or never will ever again need to date because I know that I have truly found the mother of my children. So with this in mind I know that I am a part of the few good men category.

Now, I can recall a specific conversation I once had with my father. A man who has consistently cheated on my mother, hell left us when I was a new born child. I know the pain of a woman and that a man can bring. I know the responsibilities one has when they possess the heart of the opposite sex. I have done nothing but respect every woman I have come across. I also have three little sisters- one whose adolescence and two whom are just little girls. Everything I do I do with them in mind- if I were to dog a female I know how KARMA operates. Anyway I'm getting off topic and my frustration is causing my hands to shake tremendously. I asked my father if a guy and a girl could be friends and nothing more- one day. Maybe not in those exact words. He replied no-my own father, unknowingly contributing to the thought process of so many fucked up niggas, who think every time you meet someone of the opposite sex it is to FUCK. Well the original content (well purpose) of this post was to speak on my specific situation.

Here goes. I have a best friend- she was once my girlfriend. We met and instantly kicked off a friendship-pure untainted friendship. This friendship was to rare and to complex for others to understand, her friends and my friends, so the coerced us to date. Niggas would say yo you hitting that? Girls would ask her why we weren't dating. Very like my father's thought process and the world people could not understand the meaning of a pure relationship. For a long time I didn't even find this particular girl attractive. Neither one of us wanted to start dating. We would go out and I'd talk to other females in her presence and vice versa. It was a true friendship.

However outside influences infiltrated, and we became girlfriend and boyfriend. Nothing changed, nothing. We were still As**** and An*****. You know, "those two." Our first kiss was a few weeks into the relationship. Sex wasn't a primary concern, actually the very first time it happened it was an accident, completely random. Fighting turned into tickling, which ensued. A few weeks later we realized we just not be a couple neither one of us were comfortable with the situation, it felt as though we were forcing ourselves to be what others wanted us to be, we were completely out of our pure characteristic.

So thank you fucked up niggas who fuck women over and believe every relationship with the opposite sex they have to dive in dick first. Thank you fucked up women who believe EVERY nigga is the same. You truly have made my life a living hell. Assholes. It seems impossible to meet a girl today who hasn't had some nigga come in their life and not fuck it up. Niggas lie and cheat and brag to they niggas like it’s a fucking awards. I can't believe none of you motherfuckers, every girl is somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, niece, granddaughter and most importantly SOON TO BE MOTHER. Imagine if all niggas treated they girl like they wanted another man to treat their mother. This world would be such a different place. Lives would be different.

I say all that to say this. I am not the norm, I come from a different cloth, and I am truly the last of a dying breed. I love one girl and one girl only, her shit is that tight Niggas, and ladies I am that weak. I now or never will need to ever backtrack into any circumstantial situation I have been in. Having my best friend visit me this weekend is as if my nigga G or Boss or Cincinnati Matty or Dre or any of them niggas visited me. We would sleep two different locations, I'd show them the night life (after I got off work) and we'd talk about my girl with whom I brag about a good 70% of our conversations. JUST AS WE DO NOW THAT MY BESTFRIEND IS HERE. There is no difference. Only difference is she has a vagina and these niggas got balls.

Sex does complicate things, that I am aware. However for us it was more of an epiphany. We came to realize that we don't have to conform to people's fucked up ideals about the male female interaction. Sex with my once girlfriend did nothing but serve as a light, it was uncomfortable-not to gross out but it felt like I was with my cousin. Just did not feel right. Regardless, the outside looking in may never understand- but point is I love C***** and no one no body and no situation no matter what the circumstance can do anything to jeopardize MY relationship. You tell them I said that. FUCK EVERYBODY else..



P.SPardon my French.